There are certain phrases that quietly shape the architecture of a child’s inner world, and “I’m proud of you” is one of the most influential among them. For some children, those words are spoken openly and consistently, woven into everyday life after a spelling test, a soccer game, a drawing taped to the refrigerator, or even a simple act of kindness. For others, the phrase is rare, said only after major achievements, or never spoken at all. While love can absolutely be expressed through actions, sacrifices, and presence, psychologists repeatedly emphasize that verbal affirmation carries a unique weight. It helps children internalize the belief that they are valued not only for what they accomplish, but for who they are. When that message is absent or inconsistent, children may grow up quietly wondering whether they are enough, whether they must constantly perform to earn approval, or whether their efforts truly matter.

According to psychologists who spoke with Parade, validation from caregivers is not about inflating ego or handing out praise indiscriminately. It is about building a stable internal foundation that shapes how children see themselves and how safe they feel in relationships. As Dr. Alice Connors-Kellgren explains, “Positive affirmation, whether it’s verbal or communicated in other ways, contributes to an internal working model in which kids see themselves positively, see the world as a safe place and see other people as being sources of support, all of which set them up for emotional wellbeing and healthy relationships in the future.” When children do not consistently hear affirming language, they may still grow into capable adults, but certain emotional patterns can quietly take root and follow them into their careers, friendships, and romantic relationships.

Why Positive Affirmation in Childhood Is So Important

You might have already guessed this, but validation and positive affirmation from parents is crucial to a child’s development. During childhood, the brain is actively forming beliefs about identity, capability, and belonging. Children look to caregivers as mirrors that reflect back who they are. When parents consistently communicate pride and encouragement, children internalize a sense of stability and worth that becomes part of their inner voice. That inner voice later guides them through setbacks, disappointments, and challenges.

Dr. Noëlle Santorelli explains that reassurance strengthens the emotional bond between parents and children in ways that extend far beyond childhood. When pride is expressed consistently and not reserved only for exceptional performance, children learn that love is not fragile or conditional. They feel safer taking risks, trying new activities, and expressing opinions because they trust that their connection to their caregivers is secure. That security becomes a foundation for confidence and emotional resilience.

It is also important to recognize that not hearing “I’m proud of you” is rarely the only influence in a person’s upbringing. Teachers, extended family members, mentors, and peers can all provide affirmation that shapes development. However, when consistent validation from primary caregivers is missing, experts say certain personality traits and coping patterns are more likely to emerge in adulthood.

1. Low Self Esteem

Unsurprisingly, not hearing that your parent is proud of you may lead one to question their worth and present low self esteem. Dr. Connors-Kellgren explains, “Saying ‘I’m proud of you’ lets kids know that they have worth, both in who they are and their accomplishments.” Without that reinforcement, children may grow up internalizing the belief that their efforts are unnoticed or insufficient. Over time, this can solidify into a persistent sense of inadequacy that feels difficult to shake.

In adulthood, low self esteem often manifests subtly rather than dramatically. Individuals may decline opportunities because they assume they are not qualified, minimize achievements when praised, or compare themselves unfavorably to others even when there is no objective reason to do so. They may struggle to accept compliments because those words conflict with their internal belief system.

Dr. Santorelli adds that some individuals hold themselves back from meaningful opportunities due to a subconscious belief that they are not deserving or worthy. This quiet self limitation can influence major life decisions, including career paths, relationships, and personal ambitions. Over time, the absence of internal pride can reinforce a cycle where individuals continue to doubt their value.

2. Perfectionism

As one might imagine, not being told “I’m proud of you” in childhood or only being told so conditionally may lead someone to overcompensate by striving for perfection. When affirmation is given only after outstanding performance, children can begin to equate love with achievement. Instead of feeling inherently valued, they may feel that worth must be earned repeatedly.

Dr. Cynthia Shaw explains, “When this reassurance is lacking or the affirmation is only present after a performance, task or achievement, it’s easy for a child to believe that love is something that is earned.” This belief can gradually evolve into an internal rule that mistakes are unacceptable and average performance is unsafe. The child learns that flawless results are the only reliable path to recognition.

As adults, perfectionism often leads to chronic stress, fear of failure, and difficulty enjoying accomplishments. Even after meeting ambitious goals, individuals may quickly shift their focus to the next target without pausing to feel satisfied. The pursuit of perfection becomes less about excellence and more about avoiding the vulnerability of feeling unworthy.

3. People Pleasing Tendencies

Many individuals who lacked consistent affirmation develop people pleasing behaviors as a way to secure external validation. When internal confidence is fragile, approval from others can feel essential for maintaining emotional stability. Rather than trusting their own worth, they rely on feedback from others to determine whether they are doing enough.

Dr. Shaw notes, “This person has a frail sense of self and is seeking affirmations and validation from others, as they desire belonging, acceptance and connection.” This often results in heightened sensitivity to social cues and a strong desire to keep others satisfied. People pleasers may go out of their way to anticipate needs, smooth over conflicts, and avoid disappointing anyone around them.

While this can make them appear kind and reliable, it often comes at the expense of their own well being. Over time, consistently prioritizing others’ approval can lead to burnout, resentment, and a growing disconnect from personal needs and preferences.

4. Hyper Independence

Independence is generally considered a positive quality, but hyper independence can develop when children learn that emotional reassurance is unreliable. Instead of expecting comfort or affirmation, they adapt by convincing themselves that they do not need it. This coping strategy may help them feel in control during childhood, but it can complicate relationships later in life.

Dr. Santorelli explains, “Growing up without positive affirmations as a form of emotional support and nurturance may give you the message that you are on your own and it’s safer not to rely on others for support.” When children internalize that message, they may suppress vulnerability and avoid asking for help, even when support would be beneficial.

As adults, hyper independent individuals may struggle to share personal challenges, hesitate to lean on partners or friends, and equate emotional dependence with weakness. While self sufficiency can be empowering, refusing connection can deepen isolation and make meaningful intimacy more difficult to sustain.

5. Lack of Identity or Clear Sense of Self

Encouragement plays a crucial role in helping children explore interests and develop a clear sense of identity. When caregivers respond to curiosity and self expression with pride and engagement, children feel safe discovering who they are. Without that validation, exploration can feel uncertain or unsupported.

Dr. Shaw states, “One of the most common traits a person may develop when not provided positive affirmation as a child is a lack of identity or a clear sense of self.” When children are met with indifference rather than affirmation, they may suppress preferences or conform to expectations to avoid disappointment.

In adulthood, this can appear as difficulty identifying personal values, frequently changing opinions to match social groups, or feeling disconnected from authentic desires. Without a stable internal sense of self, individuals may rely heavily on external cues to determine who they should be.

6. Anxiety

People who did not grow up hearing “I’m proud of you” may experience persistent anxiety related to self worth and belonging. When affirmation is inconsistent, uncertainty can become a constant undercurrent in daily life. Individuals may feel as though they are always being evaluated, even in low pressure situations.

Dr. Connors-Kellgren explains, “Uncertainty about one’s self-worth, one’s efficacy and one’s place in the world can lead to feelings of anxiety.” This anxiety may manifest as overthinking conversations, replaying interactions, or fearing mistakes that might result in rejection.

Without a deeply internalized belief in their inherent value, individuals may remain hyper aware of potential criticism. Their nervous system may respond to minor challenges as though they are significant threats, reinforcing cycles of stress and self doubt.

7. Depression Linked to Self Perception

While depression is complex and influenced by many factors, low self esteem and a fragile sense of identity can contribute to depressive patterns. When individuals consistently question their worth or believe they fall short, their mood and motivation may gradually decline.

Dr. Connors-Kellgren notes, “Low self-esteem, low motivation and a poor sense of self can all contribute to depression, including low mood and negative perceptions of the world.” The absence of affirmation alone does not cause depression, but it can interact with life stressors in ways that intensify vulnerability.

Persistent self criticism can drain emotional energy and create a worldview that feels heavy or hopeless. When someone struggles to recognize their own value, it becomes more difficult to sustain optimism or pursue goals with enthusiasm.

8. Chronic Self Doubt

Without hearing affirming words during formative years, many adults struggle to trust their instincts and decisions. Confidence is often built through repeated experiences of encouragement that reinforce competence. When those experiences are limited, self doubt can become a habitual response.

Dr. Santorelli shares, “Without hearing ‘I’m proud,’ or other positive affirmations in your childhood, you may not have built a strong sense of inner confidence, so doubt becomes your default.” This default setting can affect everything from career decisions to personal relationships.

Even when evidence clearly supports their abilities, individuals may hesitate, seek reassurance excessively, or second guess choices long after they have been made. Chronic self doubt can limit growth and create unnecessary stress in both professional and personal contexts.

9. Insecurity in Relationships

Since parents and caregivers are a child’s earliest model of connection, inconsistent affirmation can influence how secure relationships feel in adulthood. When pride and reassurance were uncertain, emotional security may remain fragile even in healthy partnerships.

Dr. Connors-Kellgren explains, “When someone has not received positive affirmation as a child, they may have felt uncertain about the security of their relationship with their parent and may continue to experience that in friendships and romantic partnerships in the future.” Early uncertainty can quietly echo in later attachments.

Some adults may struggle with fear of abandonment, difficulty expressing vulnerability, or heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection. Others may withhold emotional needs entirely, believing that asking for reassurance is burdensome or unsafe.

10. Overachievement as a Search for Validation

For some individuals, the absence of affirmation fuels relentless ambition. Achievements become tangible evidence of worth, and success feels like a substitute for the words they longed to hear. Rather than slowing down to appreciate milestones, they often feel compelled to keep proving themselves.

This can lead to stacking accomplishments, constantly raising standards, and feeling restless when not actively pursuing measurable success. While ambition and drive can lead to impressive achievements, tying identity exclusively to productivity can create chronic dissatisfaction.

Even after reaching significant goals, the internal hunger for validation may remain unresolved. The underlying desire is not merely success, but recognition that feels unconditional rather than performance based.

How To Heal From Lack of Childhood Validation in Adulthood

While people usually benefit from being told “I’m proud of you” in childhood, it is not game over for those who were not told this or not told enough. Emotional growth continues well into adulthood, and individuals have the capacity to reshape internal beliefs with intention and support. Healing often begins with awareness and the willingness to examine long held assumptions about worth.

Dr. Connors-Kellgren notes that therapy can provide structured guidance for processing childhood experiences and building healthier internal narratives. She explains that the work involves “noticing your own accomplishments and positive attributes and providing positive reinforcement to yourself (including your inner child).” This practice may feel unfamiliar at first, but over time it can help strengthen self compassion and internal validation.

Dr. Santorelli adds that journaling and writing down affirmations can also be helpful. Inviting trusted friends or partners to offer consistent and thoughtful encouragement can reinforce new patterns of belief. Healing does not erase childhood experiences, but it allows individuals to redefine how they interpret them and how they choose to move forward.

It’s Not Too Late to Hear It Now

Three simple words can influence how a child interprets their value for years, yet their absence does not permanently define anyone’s future. Recognizing these patterns is not about assigning blame to caregivers, many of whom were navigating their own unaddressed challenges and emotional limitations. Instead, it is about understanding how early experiences shape adult behavior and acknowledging that growth remains possible.

For anyone who rarely heard “I’m proud of you,” the opportunity still exists to build that message internally. Through self awareness, supportive relationships, intentional affirmation, and sometimes professional guidance, it is possible to cultivate a more secure and compassionate sense of self. The process may require patience and consistent effort, but it begins with a simple shift in perspective: your efforts, resilience, and progress deserve recognition, even if those words were not spoken when you needed them most.

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